In the sixties there was a song that taught me an important lesson in parenting. The verse in that song that I am referring to says; "Names, tags, numbers, labels, common people teach us what we are, we believe their every word, . . ." I have reflected upon that verse in many instances in my life. As I observed kids that were failing and kids that were succeeding I noticed a common thread in each group and that was what their parents and siblings said about them. The kids who got into the most trouble had heard how bad they were for years. The best and brightest had been lavished with praise and encouragement since infancy.

Think about this. As infants begin to identify themselves as individuals, who tells them who and what they are? They are surrounded by what must appear to them, magical, powerful, all knowing beings called parents. When these beings speak, their word is law. It is absolute and final. They believe what we tell them about the world, and about themselves. When we use labels on our children, regardless of the reason, the impact is immense. Let me share an example from my own family. When our now 20 year old daughter was little, we told her how bright she was, that she could do anything she desired, that she was good, caring, loving, obedient, and a long list of other positive labels. She has grown to fulfill those labels. At age 15 she has finished her first year in college with a 3.57 GPA. She is highly regarded by all who know her as mature, honorable and very intelligent. Our next oldest is 17 and could have started college this year if we could have afforded to send her, instead she took an accelerated program to complete high school in 2 years. I could go on bragging down the line, but the point is that they are each becoming, within their own potential, far more than most of their peers. I am convinced that the labels we have used on them, and the fact that we absolutely forbid anyone in our home to use negative labels, as a key ingredient in their success.

Closely coinciding with the labels we use is the emotional content of what we say. Words said in anger or with emotional content will have more impact than those said in jest. The words we use are only a small portion of what we are communicating. Research has shown that the words in fact are only about 15% of the communication process. 30% is in the tone we use, and 55% is in body language. A person can say something like "I don't want to listen to this." with different levels of intensity and in different tones of voice and have totally different impact on the person being spoken to. Insincerity can be "sensed" by others because they have learned to read our body language and the tone of our voice. When I tell my children that they are smart, I mean it from the core of my being. If I praise their work I am careful to be totally sincere. When their work is not impressive I will let them know that every effort isn't going to be perfect and that I know they can do better. There is no such thing as failure unless we label some outcome or experience a failure. A plane flying from L.A International Airport to Hawaii is off course as much as 90% of the time. That doesn't mean that the pilot is a failure, he is merely having to make corrections along his course. Kids are like pilots on course to adulthood, they may seem to be off course 90% of the time, but what's really happening is they are making little corrections along their course.

Anger often leads to saying things we regret having said. This has been one of my greatest personal challenges. I had to make major changes in how I responded to frustrating experiences to keep from damaging my children's tender self-images. I haven't been perfect, but I have bent over backwards to apologize when I have messed up. In our household angry, negative words are considered the same as physical blows. Consequences for name calling are equal to and even greater than those for hitting. Bruises heal in days, emotional wounds can last forever.

Praising is a skill that can be learned fairly easily. I highly recommend "The one minute manager" by K. Blanchard & S. Johnson for a simple praising process that is both powerful and effective. The concept of catching your kids doing something good, is not only a great way to find things to praise, but can be a profound change in the way we view the day to day actions of those around us. It takes some practice, but the rewards are well worth the effort. In addition to praising the good things my kids do I also pass on to them the praise of them I hear from others.

As our children move from within the family environment into the school system they are introduced to a new set of labels and labelers. Teachers are usually pretty good about using positive labels and preventing or correcting name calling and teasing, but not always. During this transitional time your child needs to know that not all families have the support and love that is available to them and that unkind words spoken by their peers are to be ignored as something spoken in ignorance. For the first few weeks each fall we monitor more closely how our kids are doing and if there seems to be a problem we will go straight to the teacher and advocate in our children's behalf. In ten years we have only had to pull our children out of school to be home-schooled for a year twice. after that the principle became more sensitive to our insisting that negative labels and yelling should not be a part of a teachers communication with the children.

The final part of using positive labels is a theme that I will repeat over and over and that is to pay very close attention to the impact of our words on our children. No matter what we say or how we say it, if they misunderstand or misinterpret we will have gained nothing for our efforts. True communication involves acute awareness of what impact our communication is having on the recipient. Are they receiving what we're sending or has it become garbled. When you say ìI love youî to your child, what does that mean to them? Does it mean they've been good, that you will always be there for them, that they are of value to you, or that you want them to do something for you? When you share something with your child, ask them what that means to them, you will often be surprised at the response you get. The ultimate self-worth builder for children is simply listening to them. Value them, their conversation and even their very presence. by focusing your whole attention on them. This, more than any other act will make them feel worthwhile.

In the year 2020, when your children are out on their own, how will they fare? Will they be well adjusted, well educated, socially sensitive, financially successful, contributing members of society? Or will they go out into the world weighed down with emotional baggage, with only a high school education or less, not caring about themselves, let alone anyone else, and not able to sustain even their basic financial needs? That is largely up to us as parents.

There is a continuing battle going on over nurture vs nature. Is a child destined by genes and inborn traits to shape their lives or is it the environment that shapes people into what they become. The truth is most probably in between. There is no denying that physical advantages or disadvantages can shape our choices. However when you see a teacher raise one class full of kids from dismal failures to soaring successes, academically, it becomes clear that nurture plays a much greater role in shaping the lives of a growing person.

The Full Potential Child, by my definition, is one who is self-confident, knows at the deepest level that they are important and capable of accomplishing whatever they choose to do in life. They are intelligent and have and use common sense. They are deeply caring, loving, affectionate. They have foresight and understand delayed gratification. Lofty goals, how do we implement them in our children?

Having come from a broken, abusive home I knew before I was old enough to make children that my parents were not empowering me, but rather making me dependant and stripping me of any sense of self-worth. At the age of 12 I made a soul level commitment to enable my children to be all that they could be. That commitment lead me in time to shed much of the emotional baggage I carried out of that situation and fulfill that promise to myself.

To reach their full potential a person must feel completely loved. They must believe in themselves and be confident in their abilities. They must have strong correct values on which they will base their decisions. Parents are the best source for them to receive these things from.

Here are 6 basic rules which I feel form a foundation on which to build.

1. Love must be abundant, total and unconditional. We all need to be told that we are loved. A child needs to know that we love him no matter what happens and that we will never withdraw that love. We may become angry or displeased, but we love you. Linking our love to certain behaviors, withdrawing it when we are displeased with the child's performance than we are teaches the child that we love good behavior, not them. When you correct inappropriate behavior, show an increase of love to the child you have reproved.

2. We will die if we do not receive enough physical affection. That may seem like a radical statement but research has shown irrefutably that without an average of 4 hugs a day a person will lose the will to live, and often end their own life or self treat for emotional pain by using alcohol, drugs, or other aberrant behaviors. It takes 8 hugs a day to be normal and 12 hugs a day to be a well adjusted, emotionally giving, caring person. Hugs obviously are not the only form of affection, but one that is easy to establish as a reference point when figuring where you are and where you need to be.

3. Negative labels, negative pet names, and negative comments are not permitted, period. Never allow the word "bad" or any negative label to ever be used on your child by anyone. Not even "affectionate nick names". Children believe what they are told about themselves. If you tell my child that they have been bad or that they are bad, "them's fight'n words" and you and I are stepping outside to discuss the matter! When I was 13 I wanted to get a paper route and earn some money. My mother told me I couldn't because she didn't have time to take over when I didn't get up one morning to take care of it. She said in no uncertain terms that I was "irresponsible and not capable of working" That crushing experience programmed me for dismal failure in adult life for many, many years. I was approaching 40 before I was able to finally shake that label and overcome the internal belief system that my mother had instilled in me. In our household hurtful words are considered the same as physical blows. Consequences for name calling are equal and even greater than those for hitting. Bruises heal in days, emotional wounds can last forever.

4. Talk to your children as if they were adults. Make it a rule that you will answer every question they ask, no matter how trivial. Most especially when it comes in the form of why questions when you are rendering a judgement. Many parents fear that the child is questioning their parental authority when in fact they just want to understand what information or experiences you used to reach that judgement so that they have reference point for making future decisions of their own. Share your values and the reasons behind them with your children. Talk to them about what you did when you were their age, share your triumphs and failures and the lessons you learned. I reflect often on a passage that reads "I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, wherefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father,. . ." His father not only taught him a trade but also shared with him the experiences and values that he had. All the learning of his father. Impart to your children the lessons life has taught you, in all areas in your life. Remember also that listening is 2/3 of communicating. Make eye contact, share your feelings, let your children know the real you, successes, failures and all. (Be age and understanding level appropriate in what you share. Don't share intimate details of serious mistakes you have made unless they will understand and benefit from your experience.) Be real with them, not phony. It teaches them that you love and trust them. It inspires them to do better and not make your mistakes. It instills in them a sense of love beyond words.

5. Let them fail! Do not protect your children from their mistakes or failures. (That doesn't mean let them endanger themselves or others, use common sense.) Rather teach them to use these valuable experiences to learn and grow. Indeed every action brings an outcome. We tend to label outcomes other than those we intended as failures, when what they really are is just different outcomes than we expected. A child's life is much like a plane flight from L.A. to Hawaii. 80% of the time the plane is off course. Continuous adjustments are being made in order to reach their destination. That doesn't mean that the pilots are failing all along the way. Let them get off course a little bit, let them see the real consequences of being off course and gently steer them back on course.

6. Repeatedly re-enforce the concept that they CAN do anything they set their hearts on doing. Don't permit the word "can't" to be used by your children, ever. I will accept ìI won'tî, but never ìI can'tî out of my children. They may choose not to do something, they made need help, need to be shown how, but they can do whatever they choose to do. There is always a way if you're determined. Success comes in cans not in can'ts.

In conclusion, perhaps the most often overlooked step to raising a Full Potential Child is to commit yourself to becoming a Full Potential Parent. Almost all of us are not functioning at our best in some area. Perhaps we lack self-confidence, or we never completed the schooling we wanted. Maybe we are not in a place emotionally, yet, that allows us to give the unconditional love needed by those around us. We usually know what our own weaknesses are. To enable to raise our children to their full potential we must reach our own, or be in the process of being all we can be as we lead our children to total personal empowerment.